Poison

Hi everyone I know I have been quiet for some time and it’s because I am back in Penang (Malaysia). It’s been somewhat hectic with moving to a new apartment and settling into my class schedule I don’t even realise where the time is going until I am in bed at the end of the day, exhausted. There is plenty going on in my head and I feel like I need to unload my brain but unfortunately it’s not going to be today. I wrote the following poem in between one of my classes and thought I would share it here. Enjoy!

Like poison on my skin
You speak of only sin
I know I shouldn’t give in
but you make my head spin.

The rush it takes over
I never want to be sober,
like a thief who’s on the sneak
into my soul you slowly creep.

pain or pleasure who knows
But can you see, it shows.
You take me to a great height
Like a thousand bursts of light.

Its over and you’ve gone
Left me all alone and torn
But I know I’m your favourite crime
So bring more poison next time.

Addiction.

the map of your face is marked on my lips,
like an addict I crave you, waiting for my next big hit.
so tell me darling do I do the same?
Am I your personal brand of cocaine.

I feel you in my veins each night
When you aren’t close it chokes me tight,
I feel my body erupt in pain,
So darling help me douse this flame.

Bad relationships.

Relationship’s are hard, it’s a universal truth and if you want something to last you have to work for it. My relationship with food has been and still is one of the greatest struggles in my life.

I came to terms with my self that I will never be one of the slim girls, I have curves (in all the right places) and for a long time I hated the way I looked, I never saw the beauty in my self and if someone complimented me I had the terrible habit of thinking that they were secretly mocking me.

My body image struggles started at quite a young age, I’m not sure how or why but I remember days when I would just be sad and unhappy for the way I looked and I remember praying every night asking God to make me ‘thin because I don’t want to be ugly’ and this was when I was 8 or 9 years old. For me I think food is a form of punishment (terrible I know) every time I felt sorry for my self, weak or if I feel like I have done something wrong I would turn to food and it was never comforting because after eating I would just feel worse than when I started and if there’s anyone who can relate I’m sure you’ll know what I’m talking about.

The first time I went on a diet was when I was 13, the age when the opposite sex starts to make an appearance in a girl’s life. All my friends would talk about how a boy has started talking to them or texting them and there were no boys talking to me and naturally I blamed it on my body, I hated my body with a passion and it consumed me so I stopped eating and I started working out to a point of over exhaustion. I was constantly hungry but I remember telling my self that the feeling of hunger was my reward, I was proud of my will power and the compliment’s only made we want to keep going. The diet went on for a couple of month’s (it scares me to think what I did to my 13-year-old body) until one day when I was at Sunday mass and I remember kneeling down and I opened my eyes in the hospital. I blacked out from starvation. I was given saline, and a course of vitamins, the Doctor said that I was dehydrated, my electrolyte’s were off-balance and I had symptoms of Anorexia Nervosa!

After this episode I was under strict watch by my parents and my food intake was carefully monitored, I remember it being a very hard adjustment but I got used to it, I gained a few pounds but I started eating healthy and started swimming regularly and after a while it wasn’t so hard and life went on, the world didn’t end for me because I was not ‘thin’.

I wish I could say everything was all good after that but in reality it only got worse, I remember my weight starting to bother me again at the age of 19. This happened because once I left to Australia I was told at the end of that year my cousin was to be married and I was her bridesmaid. My mind went into a frenzy and I immediately got my self into the most drastic diet no carbs, no sugar, no dairy.. no anything! There would be days where I would only have black coffee from morning until night and I would eat a bowl of cereal and go to bed, towards the end of the year I was going on an apple and water.

I take no pride in admitting any of this, I have managed to destroy my body within a few years because of my physical and mental struggle with food. I have been anorexic, bulimic, binged, purged and everything in between. I am sad now that being in pain was seen as a reward for my self. Yet I still struggle with food!

I am more comfortable with my skin these days than I used to be but there are days I am brutal on my self. I thought of writing this today because I started yet another diet & my usual workout routine. People may think that dieting and exercise is all about wanting to fit in and being accepted but for me the struggle has always been about accepting my self.

I still have a long way to go with this challenge but I am certain that slowly but surely it is something I can over come. If I have the willpower to go without eating for 3 days, I definitely have the power within me to break away from another bad relationship.

Let’s talk about sex

sex is such an amazing thing, so primal and so… basic! but I feel like it’s one of the most taboo things in society. The human race has evolved by leaps and bounds but we can’t seem to wrap our heads around one’s sexuality. Being a woman, especially an Asian woman sex is not something that is talked about and if you are by any chance the kind of woman that talks about sex you might as well call your self *insert derogatory label*. You get the idea.

I have always felt a divide when it came to me and my female friends, I’ve always been the open one about sex. I up to today don’t understand why it’s so hard for everyone to accept ‘sex’ without it being some major secret because believe me if any woman tells you she doesn’t enjoy sex she’s either a liar or a prude and to my girlfriends having this ‘good girl’ image is apparently associated directly with their vagina. It makes me angry that women aren’t allowed to embrace and enjoy their sexuality as much as men can. I feel like sometimes it is a barrier that women create for them selfs, I don’t know if women look down at sexually active women because they are jealous or because they are insecure about them selfs. Either way for the lack of a better word it sucks!!

Don’t belittle me because I enjoy sex and it most certainly does not make me a ‘bad woman’ either. I lost my virginity when I was 19 and it’s not something I regret, I respect people who make the decision to wait until they are married and I have respect for people who choose otherwise as well, your body your choice but I don’t have respect for people who choose to condemn another persons personal choice just so they can validate their own self worth.

I don’t really know where this post is going but it was just something I had floating around in my head.

A few words of wisdom to my fellow women, if you enjoy sex, have it without any shame because your self worth is not measured by your vagina!!

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‘Home is where the heart is’

I have this feeling inside of me these days, a sort of tension or is it a sort of sadness? I really can’t seem to figure it out entirely. I was thinking about it and I think it’s due to the fact that my vacation is coming to an end and once again it is time to leave.

Since I was young I always knew in my heart that Sri Lanka, my ‘home’ wasn’t the place for me. It was never enough, I wanted more. I loved my parents and my friends but I always felt like something was missing, like it was waiting for me to come and claim it, a sense of self-expression that I always kept boxed inside because of how my people or culture will perceive me. So I hid and I wore a mask and I conformed.

When opportunity struck to leave I took it in a heart beat and I didn’t look back. I have been constantly out of the country since the age of 19 and even though that is my dream there is a down side to it. I feel as I’m growing older I long for stability, something I’m not so familiar with. I enjoy meeting new people and experiencing new cultures and being the true free spirit that I am but at the end of the day I want to come ‘home’ and feel truly free and that is what I have realized, is missing!! I haven’t found ‘home’ yet, for a long time I thought Melbourne was home but life has a way of showing you that there is more in store for you by throwing major curve ball’s your way. When I left Melbourne I thought it was the end of my life but now I’m glad it happened because I wouldn’t be where I am today otherwise. I enjoy my time in Malaysia but it most certainly isn’t ‘home’

So here I am in the room I grew up in, boxed in by the walls that have heard  my laughs, my tears, my darkest secrets, those late night sneaky phone calls and so much more and I can’t fathom why my heart doesn’t belong here, it fills me with sadness that I don’t have that sense of belonging but at the same time it’s exciting to know that my journey isn’t over.

To leave is always a sad thing because every time I leave, I have to keep behind a piece of my heart but I take away beautiful memories with me and it makes leaving a little easier to bare. I don’t know when or where my journey will come to an end and I know the road ahead isn’t always going to be smooth sailing but what is life without all the experiences that mold us into who we are. So I tell my self It’s hard now but one day I will be thankful and all the more wiser because of it.

My gypsy soul will forever roam. Until I find that place called ‘home’

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Weekends are for poetry

I’m not home at the moment because I’m trying to spend my last few weekends in Sri Lanka with my friends so I am crashing at my best friends house this weekend. I will go back to putting out proper posts once I get back home on Monday. This is a poem I just spun last night when I was tossing and turning in bed, hope you guys enjoy it!

How much longer will it take

before the seams start to break

when the walls begin to shake,

Wait… I know this familiar ache.

I’m drowning in a pool of sorrow

not knowing if I’ll wake tomorrow

Is it okay if I can borrow

a mask that isn’t too hollow.

Pretending is the only way

to get through another day

So on my bed I lay

Until things are not so grey.

“She writes beautifully, her mind must be a terrible place”

I enjoy writing poem’s occasionally when I get the inspiration but I can never put a heading for them, it’s something I struggle with. Suggestions are always welcome!

My demons don’t have names

And neither do they have tails.

We try to live in peace

And make sure no one sees.

They occupy my soul

Creating a great big hole

It’s hard to get along

Sometimes when I’m alone

I want to make them see

That it is time to let me be,

Time to move along

And watch me grow strong.

My demons are hard to tame

They were born along with shame

I want the chance to heal,

But my demons don’t let me feel.

I was in love with a manipulator.

When one is in love it is so hard to see the other persons faults that’s why they say love is blind and in my case I was so blind I didn’t realize that I was destroying my self in order to save someone else.

  • manipulator: a person who controls or influences others in a clever or unscrupulous way.
Today I wanted to do something different and give you guys a sort of list on how to tell if you are being manipulated by anyone. Manipulators are good at what they do, they know their game and they know how to make their victims dance to the tune they want. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on the subject but this is my personal experience.
  •  They figure out your weakness and play on it.
In my case it was disappointing my parents, I love my parents very much and in their eyes I wanted to be the best daughter I could hope to be and ‘he’ knew that so every time I would do something or want to do something that was not to his liking he would threaten me (subtly) by saying he would speak to my mom and ‘get advice’ from her on how to deal with the situation. This would automatically set off alarm bell’s in my head and I would give in to what ever he wanted.
  • They always make it your fault. 
This always happened when I would spend time with my friends and if I ever spoke about how much fun I had he just could not handle it, of course he would never say it straight out but he would always bring it up in the most crude way possible. For example he would argue with me about me not spending enough time with him (if he didn’t see me for more than two days he would lose his shit) and he would bring up how I always spend more time with my friends and I always pick them over him and I was a terrible girl friend/ fiance because of it and I shouldn’t even be out without him (he actually said that to me) . Every time he said things like that and made me feel like I was doing something wrong because I spent time with my friends, it broke me. Eventually I started believing that I was a bad girl friend/ fiance if I didn’t spend enough time with him or if I didn’t tell him I loved him enough so I started changing and that was the beginning of the end for me.
  •  They are overly emotional.
I completely understand that men can be as or even more emotional than women and there is nothing wrong with that but there is still a way one should conduct them self’s. Manipulators pray on your vulnerability and ‘he’ knew that I couldn’t stand to see him upset (so is the power of love) so he would always get upset and emotional just to get what he wants, almost like a little child when they don’t get that piece of candy! It came to a point where I stopped talking about certain things because it ‘upset’ him and I did not want to deal with the shit storm that followed.
  •  They make you feel obligated. 
This was the worse part about being with ‘him’, he always would say things like ‘I don’t know what I would do without you’, ‘I might die without you’ or ‘I don’t know the point of living if you ever leave me’. These kind things were told to me constantly (on a daily basis) and at the start I just thought he was really in love with me and it was the sweetest thing until it got to a point where i couldn’t take it anymore.
These are some of the things I had to go through for 2+ years and his transition from this amazingly open-minded, caring, understanding man was so subtle it was almost diabolical. All that time being perfect was him just getting to know my weaknesses and what made me tick and the thing about me is when I love I don’t hold back (or didn’t) he made me feel like the only girl in the world (at the start) and I was young and I thought I had found my prince charming.

It was his words that made me fall in love and finally it was his words that broke me.

Here’s why I’m still in college..

While all my friends are now in their first jobs I am the odd one still stuck in college (timing is such a bitch) I’m not complaining because I am getting an education and really you’re never too old to learn something new, it’s just being in college with people younger than me is hard on so many levels because it feels like I have taken a step back in my life.

I was never the book smart type of gal (I just lacked motivation) so I always wanted to do something practical with my life and I was always good with children so once I was done with my ordinary levels studies I took a diploma in teaching, I enjoyed every minute of it and loved my training and at 18 I was actually working in a kindergarten (my first paying job) I was so proud of my self because I felt like I was ahead of everyone else my age. Oh but here’s the thing about me, I’m extremely volatile! I worked for about 6 or 7 months it was all good but it dawned on me that I wasn’t happy with the direction my life was going in, I wanted more. Something that challenged me everyday… I wanted to be a corporate bitch, the kind of woman who slayed men in their own backyard (so to speak) and being a kindergarten teacher wasn’t going to help me do that at all. So I decided I wanted to do a degree in management (I always did like managing people, not in a control freak kind of way though) my parents obliged (bless them) and I was off to Australia to get my diploma. I was off this world happy, finally I felt like I was on the right path. I completed my business studies diploma which took me a year and before I went into my second year of study my life took another turn, you see while I was studying I was working part-time as an admin staff in my university (Australian Education Academy) and I was doing my work pretty well and there came a job opening for the position for the personnel assistant to the general manager and the job was offered to me!!! wee little me, I didn’t think I could have been happier and of course I accepted without giving much thought about the future, I was 20 and I had just completed my diploma and now I had a full-time job! my life was complete (or so I thought) You see to work in Australia full-time I needed a full-time working visa and after two years of working on my student visa I decided it was time I apply for the right visa and lo behold it didn’t come through and my life came crashing down right before my eyes! 22 years old and my life was over (I tend to be dramatic).

It was time to leave Melbourne and my heart was broken, I thought I could never be happy again (‘He’ had a part to play in it too, of course) My heart still aches when I think about my time in Australia, It was the happiest I have been in my life! I was back in Sri Lanka not knowing what to do with my life and so I started applying for jobs because having 2+ years working experience had to count for something right, boy was I wrong. Every interview went great I charmed their pants off and they loved me but a week later I got the call telling me how sorry they were but they couldn’t hire me because I ‘lacked the proper qualifications’ in other words a degree!

Rejection can be a great motivator so here I am today in my second year of university doing a double degree in Marketing and management. Even though I took a longer time to get here than my friends I don’t regret the decisions I made because the experiences and memories I have with me are priceless. Like I said no one is ever too old for education and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your future is your’s alone and a little piece of advice, don’t ever compromise your future for another person. People always leave and when they do you have to make sure you can stand on your own two feet.

Twenty fucking four.

I know its only been one day but I actually was waiting to get here and just start typing, I apologies in advance if some of my posts come across as word vomit because I tend to get distracted and rant about unnecessary things. Do blog posts always have to have a theme? before I started I did read some of those ‘blogging for beginners’ and ‘blogging 101’ articles and all they talked about were how you should promote your self to your audience to keep them engaged so they’ll come back for more! What happens if I’m writing for my self and there are people who just enjoy what I have to say?! I’ve never been one to follow the rules so I suppose I’m not going to worry about it too much.

After my post yesterday I took a stroll down memory lane and realized that for a 23-year-old (soon to be 24) I have some heavy baggage. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty good childhood and my parents are stable human beings (a tab bit overbearing and controlling) but somewhere between growing up and figuring out who I am and where I belong I got massively fucked by the universe. Sometimes I really feel like I need therapy and that thought scares me because I don’t want to be ‘that person’. Some of the decisions I have made in my mere existence has really altered the course of my life, for example my ex fiance/ husband. Really if I had a time machine ‘HE’ is the one thing I would erase from my life (cliché, I know) that story is for another day though, it’s too long and complicated and I need a glass of whisky (or two) to get through it and now is definitely not the time to open that can of fucked up worms. It’s true that pain changes people because I’m not the person i was 3 years ago and that truly makes me sad.

On a lighter note my birthday is coming up (next week) and birthdays are always a really stressful and depressing time for me. I was never the kind of person to enjoy turning a year older frankly it terrifies me! If I do go out with friends to ‘celebrate’ I always make sure there is alcohol because really how else can I get through it. It’s not so much the growing old but what terrifies me the most is that I wont be able to achieve the things I have set my mind on because believe me I had grand plans for my life and boy was I excited and then slowly they all crumbled down and now making plans for my self seems pointless so growing old is only a reminder of everything that went wrong in my life. I know I know I should be more optimistic but if you lived in my head you’ll understand why it’s so damn hard to be fucking optimistic all the time, like gotye says ‘You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness’ and I NEED my fix.

This year I’m actually in my home country for my birthday (I move around) so I think I’m obligated to spend it with family and friends (ARGGHH!!) but I’m still trying to make a run for it, fingers-crossed!

I know I can come across as an asshole introvert but I’m really not I do enjoy spending time with my friends but sometimes ‘people’ are so difficult to deal with, I just want to spend my birthday by myself preferably on a beach with a good book and a cocktail server! Is that such a hard ask? here’s the catch on that plan though, the grief I will have to deal with after I return from my get away!! I would rather just bite my tongue and do the socially acceptable thing and fucking ‘celebrate’ another year of growing old, at least there’ll be booze and after a couple of drinks it wont be so bad… until i wake up the next morning.

Here’s to hoping 24 won’t be too shitty of a year!!