Twenty fucking four.

I know its only been one day but I actually was waiting to get here and just start typing, I apologies in advance if some of my posts come across as word vomit because I tend to get distracted and rant about unnecessary things. Do blog posts always have to have a theme? before I started I did read some of those ‘blogging for beginners’ and ‘blogging 101’ articles and all they talked about were how you should promote your self to your audience to keep them engaged so they’ll come back for more! What happens if I’m writing for my self and there are people who just enjoy what I have to say?! I’ve never been one to follow the rules so I suppose I’m not going to worry about it too much.

After my post yesterday I took a stroll down memory lane and realized that for a 23-year-old (soon to be 24) I have some heavy baggage. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty good childhood and my parents are stable human beings (a tab bit overbearing and controlling) but somewhere between growing up and figuring out who I am and where I belong I got massively fucked by the universe. Sometimes I really feel like I need therapy and that thought scares me because I don’t want to be ‘that person’. Some of the decisions I have made in my mere existence has really altered the course of my life, for example my ex fiance/ husband. Really if I had a time machine ‘HE’ is the one thing I would erase from my life (cliché, I know) that story is for another day though, it’s too long and complicated and I need a glass of whisky (or two) to get through it and now is definitely not the time to open that can of fucked up worms. It’s true that pain changes people because I’m not the person i was 3 years ago and that truly makes me sad.

On a lighter note my birthday is coming up (next week) and birthdays are always a really stressful and depressing time for me. I was never the kind of person to enjoy turning a year older frankly it terrifies me! If I do go out with friends to ‘celebrate’ I always make sure there is alcohol because really how else can I get through it. It’s not so much the growing old but what terrifies me the most is that I wont be able to achieve the things I have set my mind on because believe me I had grand plans for my life and boy was I excited and then slowly they all crumbled down and now making plans for my self seems pointless so growing old is only a reminder of everything that went wrong in my life. I know I know I should be more optimistic but if you lived in my head you’ll understand why it’s so damn hard to be fucking optimistic all the time, like gotye says ‘You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness’ and I NEED my fix.

This year I’m actually in my home country for my birthday (I move around) so I think I’m obligated to spend it with family and friends (ARGGHH!!) but I’m still trying to make a run for it, fingers-crossed!

I know I can come across as an asshole introvert but I’m really not I do enjoy spending time with my friends but sometimes ‘people’ are so difficult to deal with, I just want to spend my birthday by myself preferably on a beach with a good book and a cocktail server! Is that such a hard ask? here’s the catch on that plan though, the grief I will have to deal with after I return from my get away!! I would rather just bite my tongue and do the socially acceptable thing and fucking ‘celebrate’ another year of growing old, at least there’ll be booze and after a couple of drinks it wont be so bad… until i wake up the next morning.

Here’s to hoping 24 won’t be too shitty of a year!!

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