‘Home is where the heart is’
I have this feeling inside of me these days, a sort of tension or is it a sort of sadness? I really can’t seem to figure it out entirely. I was thinking about it and I think it’s due to the fact that my vacation is coming to an end and once again it is time to leave.
Since I was young I always knew in my heart that Sri Lanka, my ‘home’ wasn’t the place for me. It was never enough, I wanted more. I loved my parents and my friends but I always felt like something was missing, like it was waiting for me to come and claim it, a sense of self-expression that I always kept boxed inside because of how my people or culture will perceive me. So I hid and I wore a mask and I conformed.
When opportunity struck to leave I took it in a heart beat and I didn’t look back. I have been constantly out of the country since the age of 19 and even though that is my dream there is a down side to it. I feel as I’m growing older I long for stability, something I’m not so familiar with. I enjoy meeting new people and experiencing new cultures and being the true free spirit that I am but at the end of the day I want to come ‘home’ and feel truly free and that is what I have realized, is missing!! I haven’t found ‘home’ yet, for a long time I thought Melbourne was home but life has a way of showing you that there is more in store for you by throwing major curve ball’s your way. When I left Melbourne I thought it was the end of my life but now I’m glad it happened because I wouldn’t be where I am today otherwise. I enjoy my time in Malaysia but it most certainly isn’t ‘home’
So here I am in the room I grew up in, boxed in by the walls that have heard my laughs, my tears, my darkest secrets, those late night sneaky phone calls and so much more and I can’t fathom why my heart doesn’t belong here, it fills me with sadness that I don’t have that sense of belonging but at the same time it’s exciting to know that my journey isn’t over.
To leave is always a sad thing because every time I leave, I have to keep behind a piece of my heart but I take away beautiful memories with me and it makes leaving a little easier to bare. I don’t know when or where my journey will come to an end and I know the road ahead isn’t always going to be smooth sailing but what is life without all the experiences that mold us into who we are. So I tell my self It’s hard now but one day I will be thankful and all the more wiser because of it.
My gypsy soul will forever roam. Until I find that place called ‘home’