I was in love with a manipulator.

When one is in love it is so hard to see the other persons faults that’s why they say love is blind and in my case I was so blind I didn’t realize that I was destroying my self in order to save someone else.

  • manipulator: a person who controls or influences others in a clever or unscrupulous way.
Today I wanted to do something different and give you guys a sort of list on how to tell if you are being manipulated by anyone. Manipulators are good at what they do, they know their game and they know how to make their victims dance to the tune they want. I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on the subject but this is my personal experience.
  •  They figure out your weakness and play on it.
In my case it was disappointing my parents, I love my parents very much and in their eyes I wanted to be the best daughter I could hope to be and ‘he’ knew that so every time I would do something or want to do something that was not to his liking he would threaten me (subtly) by saying he would speak to my mom and ‘get advice’ from her on how to deal with the situation. This would automatically set off alarm bell’s in my head and I would give in to what ever he wanted.
  • They always make it your fault. 
This always happened when I would spend time with my friends and if I ever spoke about how much fun I had he just could not handle it, of course he would never say it straight out but he would always bring it up in the most crude way possible. For example he would argue with me about me not spending enough time with him (if he didn’t see me for more than two days he would lose his shit) and he would bring up how I always spend more time with my friends and I always pick them over him and I was a terrible girl friend/ fiance because of it and I shouldn’t even be out without him (he actually said that to me) . Every time he said things like that and made me feel like I was doing something wrong because I spent time with my friends, it broke me. Eventually I started believing that I was a bad girl friend/ fiance if I didn’t spend enough time with him or if I didn’t tell him I loved him enough so I started changing and that was the beginning of the end for me.
  •  They are overly emotional.
I completely understand that men can be as or even more emotional than women and there is nothing wrong with that but there is still a way one should conduct them self’s. Manipulators pray on your vulnerability and ‘he’ knew that I couldn’t stand to see him upset (so is the power of love) so he would always get upset and emotional just to get what he wants, almost like a little child when they don’t get that piece of candy! It came to a point where I stopped talking about certain things because it ‘upset’ him and I did not want to deal with the shit storm that followed.
  •  They make you feel obligated. 
This was the worse part about being with ‘him’, he always would say things like ‘I don’t know what I would do without you’, ‘I might die without you’ or ‘I don’t know the point of living if you ever leave me’. These kind things were told to me constantly (on a daily basis) and at the start I just thought he was really in love with me and it was the sweetest thing until it got to a point where i couldn’t take it anymore.
These are some of the things I had to go through for 2+ years and his transition from this amazingly open-minded, caring, understanding man was so subtle it was almost diabolical. All that time being perfect was him just getting to know my weaknesses and what made me tick and the thing about me is when I love I don’t hold back (or didn’t) he made me feel like the only girl in the world (at the start) and I was young and I thought I had found my prince charming.

It was his words that made me fall in love and finally it was his words that broke me.

Here’s why I’m still in college..

While all my friends are now in their first jobs I am the odd one still stuck in college (timing is such a bitch) I’m not complaining because I am getting an education and really you’re never too old to learn something new, it’s just being in college with people younger than me is hard on so many levels because it feels like I have taken a step back in my life.

I was never the book smart type of gal (I just lacked motivation) so I always wanted to do something practical with my life and I was always good with children so once I was done with my ordinary levels studies I took a diploma in teaching, I enjoyed every minute of it and loved my training and at 18 I was actually working in a kindergarten (my first paying job) I was so proud of my self because I felt like I was ahead of everyone else my age. Oh but here’s the thing about me, I’m extremely volatile! I worked for about 6 or 7 months it was all good but it dawned on me that I wasn’t happy with the direction my life was going in, I wanted more. Something that challenged me everyday… I wanted to be a corporate bitch, the kind of woman who slayed men in their own backyard (so to speak) and being a kindergarten teacher wasn’t going to help me do that at all. So I decided I wanted to do a degree in management (I always did like managing people, not in a control freak kind of way though) my parents obliged (bless them) and I was off to Australia to get my diploma. I was off this world happy, finally I felt like I was on the right path. I completed my business studies diploma which took me a year and before I went into my second year of study my life took another turn, you see while I was studying I was working part-time as an admin staff in my university (Australian Education Academy) and I was doing my work pretty well and there came a job opening for the position for the personnel assistant to the general manager and the job was offered to me!!! wee little me, I didn’t think I could have been happier and of course I accepted without giving much thought about the future, I was 20 and I had just completed my diploma and now I had a full-time job! my life was complete (or so I thought) You see to work in Australia full-time I needed a full-time working visa and after two years of working on my student visa I decided it was time I apply for the right visa and lo behold it didn’t come through and my life came crashing down right before my eyes! 22 years old and my life was over (I tend to be dramatic).

It was time to leave Melbourne and my heart was broken, I thought I could never be happy again (‘He’ had a part to play in it too, of course) My heart still aches when I think about my time in Australia, It was the happiest I have been in my life! I was back in Sri Lanka not knowing what to do with my life and so I started applying for jobs because having 2+ years working experience had to count for something right, boy was I wrong. Every interview went great I charmed their pants off and they loved me but a week later I got the call telling me how sorry they were but they couldn’t hire me because I ‘lacked the proper qualifications’ in other words a degree!

Rejection can be a great motivator so here I am today in my second year of university doing a double degree in Marketing and management. Even though I took a longer time to get here than my friends I don’t regret the decisions I made because the experiences and memories I have with me are priceless. Like I said no one is ever too old for education and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Your future is your’s alone and a little piece of advice, don’t ever compromise your future for another person. People always leave and when they do you have to make sure you can stand on your own two feet.

Twenty fucking four.

I know its only been one day but I actually was waiting to get here and just start typing, I apologies in advance if some of my posts come across as word vomit because I tend to get distracted and rant about unnecessary things. Do blog posts always have to have a theme? before I started I did read some of those ‘blogging for beginners’ and ‘blogging 101’ articles and all they talked about were how you should promote your self to your audience to keep them engaged so they’ll come back for more! What happens if I’m writing for my self and there are people who just enjoy what I have to say?! I’ve never been one to follow the rules so I suppose I’m not going to worry about it too much.

After my post yesterday I took a stroll down memory lane and realized that for a 23-year-old (soon to be 24) I have some heavy baggage. Don’t get me wrong, I had a pretty good childhood and my parents are stable human beings (a tab bit overbearing and controlling) but somewhere between growing up and figuring out who I am and where I belong I got massively fucked by the universe. Sometimes I really feel like I need therapy and that thought scares me because I don’t want to be ‘that person’. Some of the decisions I have made in my mere existence has really altered the course of my life, for example my ex fiance/ husband. Really if I had a time machine ‘HE’ is the one thing I would erase from my life (cliché, I know) that story is for another day though, it’s too long and complicated and I need a glass of whisky (or two) to get through it and now is definitely not the time to open that can of fucked up worms. It’s true that pain changes people because I’m not the person i was 3 years ago and that truly makes me sad.

On a lighter note my birthday is coming up (next week) and birthdays are always a really stressful and depressing time for me. I was never the kind of person to enjoy turning a year older frankly it terrifies me! If I do go out with friends to ‘celebrate’ I always make sure there is alcohol because really how else can I get through it. It’s not so much the growing old but what terrifies me the most is that I wont be able to achieve the things I have set my mind on because believe me I had grand plans for my life and boy was I excited and then slowly they all crumbled down and now making plans for my self seems pointless so growing old is only a reminder of everything that went wrong in my life. I know I know I should be more optimistic but if you lived in my head you’ll understand why it’s so damn hard to be fucking optimistic all the time, like gotye says ‘You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness’ and I NEED my fix.

This year I’m actually in my home country for my birthday (I move around) so I think I’m obligated to spend it with family and friends (ARGGHH!!) but I’m still trying to make a run for it, fingers-crossed!

I know I can come across as an asshole introvert but I’m really not I do enjoy spending time with my friends but sometimes ‘people’ are so difficult to deal with, I just want to spend my birthday by myself preferably on a beach with a good book and a cocktail server! Is that such a hard ask? here’s the catch on that plan though, the grief I will have to deal with after I return from my get away!! I would rather just bite my tongue and do the socially acceptable thing and fucking ‘celebrate’ another year of growing old, at least there’ll be booze and after a couple of drinks it wont be so bad… until i wake up the next morning.

Here’s to hoping 24 won’t be too shitty of a year!!

First time.

Thought of keeping it plain and simple since this is my ‘first time’, nothing too fancy or hard to swallow. I have always thought about blogging but I never really took the bite but I’m finally here and I think I’m happy about it. Well my plans for this blog is simple, I have a problem with expressing my thoughts and feelings verbally so I think its time I put them on paper or in this case the internet!

I don’t see my self as having some profound message I want to share with the world, I just want to empty my head because talking never really came easy to me and as of lately I feel like my head will explode with everything I have been keeping to my self so everything that does go on this blog will be my personal experiences, dreams, goals, desires and everything in between. I am not going to go into a detailed introduction into who I am but in the course of my blog you guys will be able to find that out for your self so keep up (if you want to) oh and another thing I promise to be brutally honest about who I am because it somehow seems easier to be honest with an invisible audience than to talk to people you’ve known your whole life.

So staying with the title I guess I am somewhat obligated to talk about one of my ‘first times’, how about my first (very awkward) kiss! I was 16 in my first relationship and apparently in love (what a joke) I decided to go watch a movie with him and my friend (because I was actually too scared to go alone) it was our second date,I guess I wasn’t the type of girl to kiss on the first date back then (things have clearly changed) so the four of us (he bought a friend) made our way to the movie, settled in and I was so nervous I could have had an anxiety attack but thankfully didn’t. Before heading out that day I knew that the kiss was going to happen and I was excited but nervous because my god I didn’t know how to kiss a boy, sure I practiced on my hand but the mechanics of a kiss scared the crap out of me. Anyway half way into the movie things started getting cozy and I knew any minute now and then he leaned in closer and kissed me…. on my teeth!! that’s right the moment his lips touched mine I smiled, like an idiot I SMILED. At the time I thought I would die from the embarrassment of not knowing how to kiss a boy, it took him a couple of tries but finally i got the hang of it and actually enjoyed my self. I have done quite a bit of kissing after that and I am proud to say that I’m a good kisser (I’ve been told).

It’s amazing to think about that day, how full of energy i was. How exhilarating it was to lie to my parents to go meet a boy (I am Asian so my parents were not so open-minded about me having a boyfriend at the age of 16) It was a very young and naive relationship, I actually stayed with him for a year but all we ever did was talk about music and movies and at that age I guess that’s as deep as it went. I had a lot of firsts with him and even though I hardly keep in touch with him I want to thank him for letting me experience things every teenager should.

well that was just a snippet of something from my past and i plan on talking about my past quite a bit because I suppose I have a lot of demons than need to be confronted. Until next time…

Hello world!

move along..